No More Camp (and other thoughts)

So real quick, in case you didn't know; I am not working at Camp Cedarbrook this summer and yes, I will be in the country, in fact I will be less than an hour and a half away. 

The summer doesn't even start, officially, until late June, but I'm already devastated by my decision (or well God's nudge) to not work at camp this summer. I remember at the end of last summer when I knew God was telling me that it was the last full summer I would get to spend home, at Camp Cedarbrook, for at least a while. I told several people and they just assumed it was a joke or thought hey, she'll probably just be out of the country... But both of those are false and I'm not going to be counseling. I'm not even going to be working at camp. It's not like I got bumped into a higher position or asked to not return, rather I am going to be at my parents' house in East Greenbush, while terribly missing camp.

As I was up there this weekend, doing task after task for the work weekend, I was reminded of how much the crazy amount of work drives me. It's comical, really... how doing a tremendous amount of thankless labor can make you miss a place even more... I never realized it before, but the work that I have put in over the years has definitely fueled the attachment I have to camp. But as I was driving down the camp road, on my way back to civilization, I tried to collect my thoughts into cohesive sentences. I desperately wanted to convey my feelings on leaving camp, on hard goodbyes, on endings. Why? Maybe it's for me, but maybe you can relate as well.

I put a CD in and it happened to be a CD that one of my best friends in high school gave me before I went to Ohio, to attend Cedarville. The opening song is by Green Day. It's called, Good Riddance. The lyrics begin;

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road - time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this time and don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life.

Those haunting words. They got me back in high school. They got me now.

This song perfectly describes where I am now. The lyrics helped me collect a few thoughts. I don't know what this summer looks like. I don't know why I'm not going to be at camp, or well I'm beginning to learn, but not fully. I don't want to do something hard (and leave camp). For once I don't want to be unpredictable... I already miss the smell of moth balls. I am going to miss the way that campers react when I tell them that they should use the Palace, because it is the greatest bathroom at camp (it's a jankity outhouse, if you're curious). I am going to miss the ability to call a cabin my home. I miss my roughly 12'' x 12'' x 12'' cubby where all my 'important things' hide. I miss the obnoxious singing at the dining hall tables, that I always encourage, if I'm not already the most wild one in the room. I am going to miss being able to go sailing, or swimming or have fires, whenever. I am going to miss the stinky horses and wandering dogs (and I don't even like animals). I'll even miss the tasks that I always manage to get myself assigned to and those stupid pocket knife activities...

I will miss being in the woods. ALL THE TIME. Even finding a spider or frog or worse yet a mouse nest...will be missed.

I ALREADY miss and I know it will get worse as the summer looms closer, the incredible staff that I have worked alongside for some of or all of the last 4 summers and the staff who watched me grow up since I was two years old... The people who have stuck alongside me through every weird stage of my life (I say weird because I don't think I ever grew out of the weird stage that everyone is supposed to go through at some point - usually middle school)... The friends who I have loved and grown incredibly close to and learned so much from.... the older staff members and my previous counselors who have poured into my life and been incredible role models and loved me with an uncanny amount of love... the people who were representatives of Jesus to me.

But more than anything. I am going to miss the campers. They're why I have worked at camp. They're it for me. It's all about them. I feel nauseous every time I think about not being there. I know they don't need me. Obviously. I don't even know if they realize how hard it is for me to leave camp and that it's BECAUSE OF THEM THAT IT'S SO HARD. Those 6 or so days worth of relationship, of sharing meals, of doing Bible study and cooking dinner over a fire and just being crazy with... The weeks that I have been a counselor at Camp Cedarbrook have been the best (while at times, worst) weeks of my life. I wouldn't, I couldn't trade them for anything.

Camp Cedarbrook is a place to encounter God and to be filled with His Spirit, empowered to grow and thrive, while in the community of believers. It was at camp that I had counselors and friends who first challenged me in my faith and continue to do so. They fought/fight the devil's battles against me. They stood/stand by me. They loved/love me. They served/serve me. They were/are Jesus to me. And that is what I hope, more than anything, is remembered of me... in the 19 summers that I was present (for at least some small portion) at Camp Cedarbrook. I hope that when the campers and staff discuss their past counselors or talk about staff who aren't there or whatever the topic may be, I hope that when the name Cambri, Toyota, or Heidi Johnson is mentioned, it isn't to remark how crazy, how weird, how wonderful/horrible of a counselor/person/worker she was, and the list goes on of descriptors... Rather, my desire is that I would leave a legacy of loving like Jesus. No matter what.

And I hope and pray that at least one camper or one staff member would catch on to that. That they would realize that in spite of my flaws, my humanity... I strove and strive to be Jesus to them. If even one person came to a better understanding of God's love for them, through Christ, as a result of my time at camp, then it was not in vain. And it won't bother me then, if I am remembered or forgotten, because the reason that I worked at camp is so that Christ would be known and that God's love would be expressed. My true desire is that Jesus' name would be the one proclaimed and that any good that I accomplished would be recognized as the Spirit's empowerment. You see, the biggest part of camp for me, bigger than even the campers themselves, is that Christ be glorified.

Camp will always be a part of me. A HUGE part of me. And while I'm not totally removed, I'm going to be removed enough to feel the pain of saying goodbye. And it kills me. But I must admit, that while this may be goodbye for now, I certainly have had the "time of my life."

There you have it folks. If you made it to the end of this post, then you are a champion yourself. Thank you. If you have any magical cure for the Camp Cedarbrook blues, please, do fill me in.

More on Guate

As many of you know, I have had the privilege of going to Guatemala twice over the past two years. The first time I went was to visit my sister, who is a missionary with Kids Alive International. I didn’t expect to fall in love with the people or the girls’ home the way that I did in my first week there. A year later, this past May, I had the opportunity to go back to Guatemala, on a mission trip of sorts, for ten days. While I was there, I realized that I was not content with only making brief visits, so after talking with the head of the girls’ home, I applied to be a missionary with KAI. 

I am beyond excited to inform you that I have been accepted to go back to Guatemala for 15 months as a short-term missionary, serving at the same girls’ home where my sister Jenny serves!

I will be graduating in May from Cedarville University with my bachelor’s degree in Psychology. It’s crazy to think of how fast the time has gone. I feel like I just started school, but God has been shaping me and molding me for this time in Guatemala for quite some time. Since I was little I have wanted to live overseas, serve the marginalized, and love those who needed to be loved-care for those who didn’t have someone else to care for them. My dreams are actually becoming a reality! While in Guatemala, I will be working at a home for girls who have been rescued from abusive homes and placed in a home (the Oasis) where they are safe, provided for, loved, counseled and rehabilitated. The home provides for girls (currently 50 of them) ages 4-18 and I will be working with the three psychologists on base, in an internship of sorts. All of the work I have done in undergrad will come into play during this time. The ultimate goal is to be able to distribute written copies of what the Guatemalan psychologists are doing to Kids Alive bases around the world. I will get to write up what it is exactly that the psychologists do when the girls first arrive, and the techniques used throughout their stay at the Oasis to help them heal and recover from trauma. I will also get to:

• Sit in on counseling sessions 
• Assist in test administration 
• Assist in the discipleship ministry
• Work with the new home for young pregnant girls
• Help with the “Keeping Families Together” program
• Work with the social worker on base 

I just finished my internship with a school psychologist and I believe that it prepared me well for what I am going to be doing next year, in combination with all of my other past experiences as well! This is just be the beginning. Letters are in the process of being sent out, right now, so that you can learn how to become a partner with me, either prayerfully, financially, or both :) 

eNdInGs

Today marked the end of my internship as a school psychologist. I didn't expect to fall in love with the school I was working at, the staff that I shadowed or the children I worked with. All I knew was that I was going to be working at a school. Nonetheless, at the end of my day today, I got into my car and just sat there. I put a CD into the player and go figure, it was the CD that I had gotten from one of my best friends after we graduated high school. The first song that came on was Good Riddance by Green Day. You can imagine my thoughts. {If you don't know the song, then please go to YouTube and listen. Now is the time to experience such a song.} 

However, thoughts stirred through my head. Why are goodbyes so hard? 
Why do we try to prevent ourselves from becoming attached? Shouldn't it be the case that we give everything we have and learn as much as we can? Goodbyes, I think, should be hard, because that means the time was meaningful, the relationship was meaningful... so on and so forth. 

I can't help but think of the implications this will have when I leave Ohio in just over a month and begin a new chapter in my life... Every part of me screams not to think about it.... 


But if you don't say goodbye, you can't say hello again, right?  


Sorry. These are my frustrations. And I'm afraid goodbyes will always be a weakness of mine, but life is filled with Hellos and Goodbyes, Beginnings and Endings. Maybe it's just me, but I'm not sure if any of those really matter though. It's more of what happens in the middle and how the middle is treated... 

So how are you living out your 'middle'? Are you living in a way that will make saying goodbye hard (in a good way)? 

Growing Up

So today, after my internship, I went to one of my favorite places near school (Yellow Springs) and spent the last few hours of sunshine hanging out, doing homework and just thinking. If you know me, I have a lot of thoughts, some of them I share, but I generally keep a lot more of them to myself. Anyway, I went to a new coffeeshop (I say new, because it's the first time I strayed away from Dino's on my own) and it was wonderful. The atmosphere was great and I got an assignment done and drank incredible coffee. After, I went outside and walked around the town and went to the playground. Since it was almost 70 degrees outside, you can imagine the number of people outside. If you cannot imagine it, or if you have never been to Yellow Springs, the town was SWARMING. That's besides the point though. Back to my story. I went to the playground and found the swingset completely open, so of course, I ran over and began to swing and as I did a million thoughts came to mind. I'm going to share a few of them with you. 

As this post is entitled "Growing Up" you can probably guess the direction that I'm going. Now I should probably also mention that I had a little too much caffeine today and my mind was on hyperspeed, but I digress. My life has always been one of constant busyness... even today, I went to class, ran all over campus to deal with a car registration issue, went to internship, had a birthday dinner to go to and had a meeting and more homework to attend to, but I had decided to give myself some time. Time to enjoy the beautiful weather, time to think, time to step back from all of my crazy. And as I did, it made me a little sad. I started thinking, why is it that I feel the need to fill up all of my time? Why do I have so many lists? Why do I always think about the future and cram, cram, cram... saying "one day I'll be able to breathe"-{direct quote from today}-  but that day never seems to come? 

I fill my day with commitments galore and try to busy myself, thinking I can only survive if I am busy, because one day I will be a grown up and not have to be busy. But what if I miss out on the here and now. Sure, Lord willing, great things have yet to come, but what if in the mean time, I don't invest in the people I'm with now, or don't experience the simple pleasure of still being a 'kid' as I'm still in college, not quite a grown up?

I'm tempted to sing the song from Peter Pan (I won't grow up...) or type out all the words, but I think you get my drift... I've been living in the fast lane so long, proclaiming my desire to stay young, but as I speed on, I think I've lost part of what I could have NOW. If you, like me, live life in the fast lane, I think you might be find you're able to seriously relate. I hope that makes sense. I'm trying to put to words my crazy thoughts. 

Back to the swing set though. Today, I felt free. I felt free for the first time in a long time. Free from everything. And my thoughts turned to God and to the freedom he offers through Christ and the freedom that comes in following the Spirit's urgings. And I can't help but smile and thank God for the (good) childish moments that he affords me. And I want to be able to experience that ALL THE TIME.

And as I was leaving the park, I saw a whole bunch of daddys/mommys out with their kiddos. Thinking about it now, it's so refreshing to know that My heavenly Daddy still likes to go to the park with me and likes to let me feel like a child again.

All of these musings to say, slow down. Stop letting busyness be your norm. What's the rush to grow up? Enjoy the here. Enjoy the now. 

I'm working on it, right alongside you.

Not Forgotten

So today I am sitting in church when the sermon ended, quietly putting myself together (as I have a habit of taking over the entire table that I sit at) and as I am doing this, a man walks over to me and asks if it would be alright for him to share something with me. of course, I said yes. He sat down and told me that he felt as if God was telling him to tell me that I am not forgotten.

WOW.

As would be my normal response, I just kind of stared at him. Now I hope he didn't think I was being rude, and I don't think that he thought that, but he continued talking about how God wanted me to know that my time was coming and that I was not forgotten. 

WELL DANG. 

Apparently my thoughts about Guatemala and wishing my time would come faster and all of my questions and annoyances and pleadings were visible to someone elses Spirit. So I got to thinking about Jesus and how His timing is always perfect, even when I try to think otherwise. And I also thought about all of the other people in the world who sometimes (like me) feel forgotten, feel left out, feel as if they are down for the count. Some may not even realize they feel that way. Like I wasn't aware today, maybe you didn't even know that you had been living like you had been forgotten. My friends, you are not forgotten. Let me be the voice of truth to you, as this kind, wonderful man was to me today. You are not forgotten. You have worth. You have meaning. You are one of a kind and God will use you. You were never meant to be alone or meant to feel worthless or forgotten. 

As I'm typing this, several things come to mind. First off, my desire to express your invaluable, incomparable worth to you. Second, the scene from Lilo and Stitch where Stitch proclaims, "Ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten." As children of God, as human beings, we are family and simply because we are family, we ought to not feel forgotten. Nonetheless, times will come when we don't feel at the top of our game, or we won't feel like we are a part of something, BUT you are. You are part of something far larger than you could ever imagine. And in that large thing that you cannot imagine, you have worth, you have value, you have a specific place that is of utmost importance. Paul, in Corinthians 12, writes; 

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!”  On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable,  and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.  If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

So stop being self defeating. 
Stop believing lies.
We need you. 
We need each other. 
We need your giftings. 

You are not forgotten.

not  by me. and most importantly. not by God.

Which reminds me of one more thing. One of my favorite stories, about two pigs, is called Sidney and Norman. The two pigs struggle, one with pride, the other with self-defeat and self-esteem issues. Then they encounter God and He changes their lives. The proud pig finds that God is sad with the way he looks down on the other pigs, while the self-defeating pig finds that God's love for him isn't dependent on his abilities or performance. I think we can learn a lot from a tale of two pigs and their encounter with God. Because the story ends (sorry if you haven't read it.... spoiler alert) with Sidney, the self-defeating pig, reminding himself of what God told him the day they met; First of all, I love you. Secondly, I love you. Thirdly, I love you. That is all. 

If you are feeling left alone, forgotten, prone to self-defeat, or if you are feeling proud and mighty and on top of the world, or even if you are feeling perfectly fine, heres a reminder

I love you. I LOVE you. I love YOU. 

-love God.

You are not alone. You are never alone and you are not forgotten. Your time is coming. 

Hold on. Hang in there.

Read this book. If you like stories. Even if you don't. It's wonderful. Even for adults.

Wherever You Are

I need this reminder every single day. 

Looking ahead.

Since I was about 6 years old, I have always wanted to be a missionary overseas. It wasn't until college that I actually went out of the country on a missions trip though (other than Canada). My life hasn't been the same since. Everything I do... my actions, my words, my thoughts, they have all changed, because I have seen a glimpse of what I long to do in the world. I long to be an agent of change, an agent of peace, and an agent of God's love, to the needy, the hopeless and the hurting. Even though I have always wanted to live in a grass hut, the idea has almost become idolized in my head. I wanted (want) something so different than everyone else around me and it sometimes makes me feel good to be so drastically different. But then I realized that I don't have to live in a grass hut (although that is still my dream house, for real) to make a difference. I don't have to act better, do things differently or pursue careers that I or others think could be useful. I should not simply pursue things just because I think God can use them (since He can and will use anything). I could have gone to nursing school. I could have gone the pre-med route. I could have gone the engineering route or the social work route. Believe me, I have considered every one of these options for hours/days/months. I could play this game all day. But I didn't go those routes and I am choosing not to play the coulda/shoulda/woulda game- though many days I am concerned that what I have learned and what I am continually learning will not be enough to make a difference.

                                                                                       but

In the midst of all of this confusion... Psalm 46 reads;

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, The holy dwelling places of the Most High. God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered; He raised His voice, the earth melted. The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Come, behold the works of the Lord, who has wrought desolations in the earth. He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth; He breaks the boy and cuts the spear in two; he burns the chariots with fire. Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. The Lord of hosts is with us; the god of Jacob is our stronghold."  

Hah. It's like God is saying, what's your deal here? I am going to use you. Quit panicking. Quit being indecisive. Quit thinking that I cannot use you. Just stop. Look what I have already done. I'm going to do even better things. You can count on me. Always. I'm shaping you and forming you to be used as my tool, for MY Kingdom. For MY purposes.

AND IT'S THE SAME FOR YOU AS WELL. STOP STRIVING AND KNOW, HE IS GOD AND HE CAN HANDLE EVERYTHING BETTER THAN YOU CAN.

So next fall, for those of you who do not yet know, not only will I be a real person, as a graduate from college, but I will be going to Guatemala (Lord willing) to serve with Kids Alive International. I'll be in a place that I love, immersed in a culture that I love, learning a language that makes my heart happy, serving and loving those in the margins and all the while learning how to trust that God knows what is best - trusting that God is going to use me. I am a willing vessel... as broken and messed up as I am. I am willing. And lets face it. We all know that I would be absolutely no where without His stability in my life. I'd be an absolute disaster. Who knows if I will ever live in a grass hut. And even though that has always been the picture in my head of how I am going to serve God, I think he is trying to teach me that His plans are way better than my own. Whether or not that grass hut comes, I am ready. Like the prophet Isaiah, I say, "Here am I, send me."

Over the past week and the next few weeks, I have been/will be praying and fasting regarding what next year holds. If you would like to join me in these prayers or if you would like to know more about Guatemala,  please let me know. I love to talk about Guate. I also love to talk about what God is doing. so.... talk to me. OR if there is something you need a partner in prayer for, let me know that as well.

                                                     Buenas Noches