Finite Friendship

I hope that you are not startled by the title of this post. Being back home for the holidays is always strange for me, especially as I get older. I've never been a big homebody, but then again, I don't think I have ever really been a big anywhere body, well other than camp... Nonetheless, I have been seeing friends from home and catching up, only to realize that I have missed out on so many things, because of my horrible ability to stay in touch. Hanging out for a few hours or just grabbing coffee for a short time doesn't cut it or change the fact that I am a terrible communicator. Just as I realize that I have missed out on doing life with friends that I adore back home, there is a whole other spectrum of people at school who I have for the most part ignored (or neglected) since coming home. And I cannot forget camp friends who get neglected much of the year.

Now see, these are not the type of relationships we are supposed to have; on again, off again, finite friendships that exist only when convenient. 1) Jesus did not tell us to love our neighbor only when we felt like it 2) If you want to have a friend, be a friend  3) Friendship is a commitment. 

What I am really trying to say is that over the past week, I have realized that I am not only a slacker in friendships, but I have been a sucky friend. I know it's true, so don't try to tell me otherwise, but friendship to me is something significant, something important. Obviously I know that I hold high standards for myself in everything I do, but I am not even reaching my low end standard, which isn't okay. So I'm going to be working on this. I have told a lot of people that I could exist well as a hermit and I very well believe I could, but I think that God created me to exist as very much the opposite, so it's about time I start following through on the whole friendship thing. I'm sorry if I have hurt you over the past few months or even past few years, because of my failure to communicate or share my life with you or share in your life. Friendship is about doing life together... and I have been horrible about this, so my plan is to change that.

It's going to take time. It'll be hard work. I think it's worth it, because the people who have stuck with me, despite my awful friend tendencies, are worth it. ABOVE AND BEYOND worth it.  

I don't want anymore of this short-term friendship, only when it's convenient frienship. I'm in for the real deal... even if it's hard. ESPECIALLY when it's hard. 

On being a Follower.

By now, you have hopefully read the title of this post and realized who is writing, so you can turn back before it's too late.

A lot of this comes from a message I gave this summer at camp, but it has been resonating a lot with me lately. Also, anything good in here is purely God and thoughts I acquired from the book Not a Fan. If you haven't read it, you should (Shameless plug). The rest, is just me, so if anything is silly or just doesn't seem to make sense or fit, you'll understand why.

Imagine a crowd of people... All of a sudden several sports fanatics enter the scene screaming and cheering for their respective team, dressed in their team's paraphernalia and ecstatic! If you really need help with that imagery, think of a sports game that you attended...

Maybe YOU are that crazy sports fanatic. Maybe you have SEEN fans who are willing to hoot/holler/scream for THEIR team. Chances are, you have at least experienced a situation like that... (pep rally, football game)

A lot of times we compare our fandom to those around us. Maybe we aren't as crazy, or maybe we ARE louder or the CRAZIEST fan of all. Our culture teaches us that its good to be this way-which it is- but our culture says its okay to just be a fan of Jesus, too. Our churches are full of fans-people who show up on Sundays, put on a smile, sing like crazy... put on an act.

but God calls us to so much more than that. 

WE WERE NOT MADE TO BE 'ONE-DAY' OR SUNDAY CHRISTIANS. 
    It's all or nothing.

His call is not to comparison or measurement to others, instead, He calls us to come and die.

COME AND DIE.  LITERALLY.

Luke 9:23-24 reads;

"And He was saying to them all, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it."

It's easy to read over those verses and not really experience the full weight of them. Taking up your cross can and WILL bring pain. It is hard to daily take up one's cross. But God never said that following Him was easy. Actually we see all over scripture that Jesus warns against it, unless you are willing to give up everything. When you accept the invitation to follow Jesus, you aren't just making him top priority- you are making him the ONLY priority.

NO RESERVES. NO RETREAT.

Fandom is easy. It's easy to pretend and follow Christ when it is convenient...

Following Christ is hard.  Taking up your cross daily, is hard stuff. But God calls us to that. Jesus shows us how it can be done. So what are you waiting for?

I think it is long past time that Christians begin to follow hard after Jesus. I think it is long past time that we take up our cross daily and die to ourselves and our desires EVERY SINGLE DAY.

RADICAL CHRISTIANITY. I'M GAME. 

And please don't think that I think I have this topic mastered or that I think I know best. I simply desire to be one of Christ's followers who takes up her cross daily. And I would like for you to join me, if you're willing.

Turning Complaints into Thanks

Over the years, Thanksgiving has been celebrated by my family with a hodgepodge of characters. For as long as I can remember, we have celebrated with some of our closest family friends, but each year at least one person in our clan is not in attendance and we typically have an added member or two of our immediate families. Each year, members who are not present are mourned, but life goes on and oddly, so do our festivities. This year, we easily felt the absence of certain loved ones, but I must admit there was a level of lightheartedness and joy that I don't remember in the past few years. For that, I am deeply thankful. Playing games, laughing until we thought we might burst, sharing and rejoicing in the blessings evident in the lives of those participating in the day... Today, God reminded me that in all circumstances, we are to give thanks, not JUST Thanksgiving. While each day, we have reason to complain, we are deeply blessed to be alive and for that, we have ought not complain.Thanksgiving time is known as a time of giving thanks and proclaiming thanks for every good thing. However, lately I have been thinking, why is it that only at Thanksgiving time do we profess thanks or count our blessings and the rest of the year, we are looked at strangely if we vocalize things we are thankful for? Why is complaining the norm? Why don't we practice professing our thanks throughout the rest of the year? Would you care to join me in 365 days of blessings and thanks instead of just 30 for the month of November?

Allow me to celebrate your blessings with you today and everyday.

And on days where you cannot list a single blessing, better days are coming. Hang in there.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Snow Snow Snow

Last night was the first real snow of the season and though I was tucked in my warm bed, in my warm, cozy dorm room, I could not sleep. While a whole host of things were on my mind, (I spend many nights sleepless, because of the pain in this world) I could not stop thinking about those who do not have homes, or a warm dorm room to sleep in when the snow and ice get bad. Snow used to be my favorite thing. I find it to be so magical and pure and I get a childlike sense of happiness when I get to play in the snow. Something about the first snow still encourages that sense within me. However, after spending a weekend living on the streets in the bitter cold rain and wind last year, I cannot help but think of this weather in a different manner. My heart breaks for those who don't have a home. I so desperately want to be able to help, but I feel so helpless. This is a feeling I experience almost daily.
As I lay in my bed last night, I begged Jesus to comfort them. I begged God to be the perfect Father that He is and layer his children with peace and warmth, even when no warmth exists out on the cold streets. It feels almost hypocritical for me to pray those prayers, because if you reread the beginning of this paragraph, I was laying in my bed, my warm bed, with a roof over my head. Nonetheless, often praying is all that I can do and who am I to diminish prayer? Speaking to the creator of this world, speaking to my Lord, my Savior, is a privilege and a gift and prayer changes things. We are told throughout scripture to pray for others. May my prayers never cease and may my heart continue to break for the people in the margins, the people who don't have a roof over their heads, the people who don't have the blessings that I do. 

I must end with an echo of the words of Dr Jeff Cook, "When you have been (or are) homeless on the street, you are less than excited about the first snow of the season."

God break my heart for the city and for the people in the city who do not have a place to call home. 

That AWKWARD In-Between Time

Every year after school ends I have to wait for several weeks until camp starts. Now usually I try to fill the time with lots of things... like going to Guatemala... or babysitting for the best kiddos ever... or hanging out with people that I never get to see (unless I am home)... But it really gives me time to think. When I'm not sleeping or doing something to keep me busy, I have time to really think. I don't usually afford myself such luxuries when I am at school or at camp. I mean, yes, I think, but I don't always just get to think about the future, things to come... It's crazy to think that in one year I will be graduated from college. I will have my bachelors degree and finally be grown up (ish). However, as much as it excites me, it terrifies me as well because I love to plan and honestly I have no idea what I am doing after I graduate. So something I have been learning about is contentment... It seems that in life we are always waiting... Waiting on something, someone, a significant passage of time, a certain age, and the list goes on.

I think of the things that I am personally waiting on and the one thing I keep coming back to is God. Isaiah 40:31 reads, "But those who wait on God will renew their strength. They will mount up on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be faint." We are supposed to wait on God. We are SUPPOSED to put our hope in God and wait on Him to come through because He IS going to come through. He has proven it in His word. He has proven it in His Creation. He has proven it in my life and He has proven it in the lives of those around me. Our strength and direction are found in him and him alone... Not our plans... not our hopes, not our dreams, but GOD. But here is the thing... I feel like far too often God is waiting on us, waiting on us to turn to Him and hope in Him. I know at least for me I get too full of myself and forget God. I forget to hope in Him and I forget to put my stress aside or lay my worries on Him. And this is where problems occur. When we don't wait on God and impatiently run ahead trying to do our own thing, we get hurt and end up hurting others.

And so my themes for this summer are waiting and contentment.

I'm not exactly sure all that I am waiting for. I'm still not at the place where I can say I am content. There is a lot going on that I am not content with. I am a work in progress... I have a long way to go, but I have to say I am so glad that God has never given up on me, nor will He ever. I have hope in the One and Only constant in my life. Even when I am not hopeful, I know that God is waiting on me. My God is incredible.

Yesterday my status on facebook read, "that moment when you find yourself wishing you were already graduated because your heart is overseas, but you still have a year left of school... Lord help me to be content where I am for this coming year." I think that this status really describes where I am at right now and I don't know how to reconcile where I am with where I want to be and I have no idea where I am supposed to be next.

So for now, forever, I need to trust in God. As I go forward with this summer, I plan to list things I am thankful for each day; a list of at least 10 things everyday. I've heard that the more grateful we are for things or the more we acknowledge daily blessings, the more content we become with where we are. And my wish is that as I reflect on the things I am thankful for each day, I will grow more content with who I am as a child of God and where I am in the here and now, as well as content with where my future is leading.

Because of the 'awkward in-between time' I have time to think. I have time to write. I have time to spend with my friends that I never get to see during the year. I get to enjoy sleeping in. I get the privilege of babysitting wonderful children. I have time to experience being a child for a few weeks, instead of an independent adult. I get to go out to dinner with my mom. I get to lie around and watch Gilmore Girls. I get to read for fun. I get to spend time talking to God. I get to spend time reading my Bible and reflecting. I am so thankful for these blessings in my life today.

I encourage you to try making a list of things you are thankful. Play the thankful game with me each day. A friend of mine encouraged me to play this game a few years ago and it has changed my life ever since.

Guatemala.

I can hardly believe that my time in Guatemala is already over and will not be happening again for a while. Last night I was convinced that I dreamt the fact that I was actually there in Guatemala, so I had to check my bank account to see if I really bought a ticket. Low and behold, a large chunk of money had been taken out for the trip, thus confirming the fact that I did go. My mom thinks that I am too old to be experiencing this, but it just seems like I waited so long to go and when it finally came, it was over in a flash. I guess that is how it is with a lot of things in life. Enough about the sadness of returning to the states though- My goal in this post is to give you a small glimpse of what I experienced in Guatemala.

Just a quick note (I didn’t use the girls’ names for safety reasons, I think it would have been okay, but I didn’t want to chance it).

I woke up bright and early Wednesday morning (3:55am to be exact), May 8^th, in order to leave for the airport by 4:15 in order to make my 6am flight. I woke up before my alarm though, even after sleeping only 3 hours. The plane ride to Atlanta went smoothly, arriving early in Atlanta so that I could take my time getting to my gate. Praise the Lord my ears didn’t act up on this flight. Then began my flight from Atlanta to Guatemala City. Landing early in Guatemala… the rest of the day was a bit of a blur. I remember going to Dunkin Donuts in the city (Jenny’s favorite treat) and eating my first mango of my time there… delicious! I also got to see some of the girls and missionaries, as well as meet two of the girls my family will be sponsoring. I brought stuffed animals and necklaces for them…small gifts, as we are not yet their sponsors and Jenny didn’t want me to spoil them too much, YET! Anywho. Devotions were cancelled so that fumigation could begin, to rid the Oasis of fleas. So Jenny and I went home. Now if I gave this detailed an account of everyday, I would have zero readers at the end, so I am just going to give you an overview of the highlights for the rest of the time.

Each morning Jenny and I woke around 5 or 6am doing our devotions, working out, eating breakfast and just being silly together until 8:20 when we would leave for the Oasis… a 10 minute drive from her little house in San Lucas, Sacatepéquez. After arriving at the Oasis on Thursday and Friday, Jenny would teach two math classes, the first class with only one girl and the second with three girls. I played math games with Sandra every day during class and it quickly grew to be one of my favorite times. After the two classes, Jenny and I left around 11 both days because the fumigation was occurring. So Thursday, Jenny, Renae, and I went to Antigua. We hiked to the cross overlooking Antigua, explored a convent ruin and went to a huge artisan market. I met some of Jenny’s market friends and just looked around. The colors are astounding. After exploring all day, we ate dinner at MonoLoco with Renae and went back to the house, sleepy and full. Friday afternoon, Jenny and I went up to a really pretty restaurant that she had wanted to go to. It was so delicious and filling. Friday afternoon we hung out and watched a movie together, going to bed early so that bright and early Saturday morning we could go to the beach at Monterrico. We took a bus to the beach (2.5 hours away) and spent the day, laying in the sand, eating delicious quesadillas, exploring the little beach town and swimming in a pool, as the ocean was far too rough to swim in. Arriving home, sunburned and all, tired out from a long sunny day.

Sunday morning, we went to Jenny’s church and brought Renae with us. I don’t know about you, but I love Spanish worship music. I knew a lot of the songs and the songs I did not know, I caught on quickly with. The power of the Spirit was sensed through the church and I just loved every second of it. After Church Jenny and I walked to a market near her house to get some fresh fruit/veggies and saw puppy corner (the corner that every weekend has hundreds of purebred puppies for super cheap). I wanted to steal one of the huskies. We bought some blue tortillas and enjoyed a yummy dinner of tilapia tacos. Jenny and I wanted to try something new, so on Friday we had gotten tilapia (scales, eyeballs and all) at the grocery store. They were yummy.

On Monday morning, after her typical morning routine, I joined in her math class and then acted as the librarian for the week during homework time, allowing the girls to come into the library and get books during homework time. After lunch on Monday, another girl was brought to the Oasis to live. Now the three sisters (the ones we will be sponsoring) were together and safe. We thought the newer girl would be quiet and shy at first, but she was crazy. She ran around giving hugs and kisses, talking non-stop. It was quite entertaining. All throughout the week she ran around giving hugs and kisses, quickly latching on to me and calling me Tia. We all tried to explain to her that I was only visiting, but she wouldn’t believe anyone and seemed to think I would be there forever. (I wish I was). So Tuesday morning, Jenny and Addie took 3 of their students to Antigua to go on a field trip and see what they had been learning about in their social studies class. It was so much fun. I felt like a child again as I participated in their activities and hopped around the ruins with the three girls. Later that day, Jenny and I went to a restaurant overlooking all of Antigua for lunch and had some really yummy pizza. For being so incredibly destructive, volcanoes are gorgeous. Arriving back at the Oasis in time for homework help, we did homework and library time. I played with and read to a few of the little girls. One of the older girls and I read Arthur together and she helped me work on my Spanish, as her English is okay. Wednesday was probably one of my favorite days. Jenny and I went to class inn the morning and then before lunch at the Oasis we drove to the market in San Lucas and found a small puppy stuffed animal and pink bag for Carmen (the new girl), so that she wouldn’t have to use her sister’s backpack anymore. After eating lunch with the girls, we brought Carmen up to Jenny’s office and gave her the presents. She was so excited and wouldn’t stop kissing us both. The rest of the afternoon (after library time) I played basketball, soccer, on the trampoline with and tickling her. At around 5:30, all of the girls came in for devotions. We sang songs and then Jenny gave the message.

Thursday followed the same sort of order as the other days at the Oasis. I was reluctant to leave Thursday because that would be my last full day at the Oasis. On Friday, one of the girls asked me to write her a letter so that she would remember me. It took me a long time to put into words just how much she meant to me and impacted me in the ten days that I spent with her. She is the most selfless, loving, silly, little girl that I have ever met. She loves Jesus so much and trusts in his power, knowing that she is loved by God, even when her father did terrible things. We left after lunch, picking up laundry and spending the evening in Antigua. Saturday morning, we left the house around 5:20, to drive to Antigua and take the bus to Volcan de Pacaya. We hiked up the volcano all morning and had lots of fun, though both Jenny and I got carsick. We ate lunch at Jenny’s favorite restaurant and watched a movie the rest of the afternoon, going to bed early as we were both exhausted. On Sunday, we went to church again and I fell in love with her church. The pastor preached on 1 Corinthians 13, discussing love and the fact that we are supposed to be love, because love reflects God. Even though I didn’t get the entire sermon, seeing as I am not fluent in Spanish, I understood the majority of his sermon and it was something I really needed to hear.

After church on Sunday, Jenny and I went to the Oasis for a few hours. We brought her crazy dog, Chula (which means cute in Spanish) and popcorn, lollipops and soda for the girls. Almost all 50 came out to play, as it was beautiful out. But I think I spent the majority of the time with the three sisters and a few other little girls, as well as another who wanted to take my picture because she thought it was really funny when I hid from the camera. We laughed, had swinging competitions, played silly games, ran with Chula, but all too soon, Jenny looked at me and said it was time to go. The three sisters held on to me and said goodbye to Jenny (knowing she would be back Monday) but I had told them I was leaving in the morning… so that told me I wasn’t allowed to leave. Several other girls joined in and I realized for one of the first times that I had absolutely no desire to leave. I would stay there forever if I could. Sandra fake cried and Ingrid blew on my belly button… the grossest, funniest thing ever as Carmen held on to me hugging and kissing. I hugged the girls goodbye and Sandra looked me in the eyes and said, Hasta Pronto Heidi, si? I hugged her and promised that I would see her again soon, Lord willing.

I didn’t want to get out of the car Monday morning in Guatemala City when Jenny dropped me off at the airport. I didn’t want to leave. Reluctantly I slipped out of the car and walked into the airport with all of the girls’ names on my heart and sadness hovering over me. I want to go back. I want to see the girls. I want to be able to really talk to them… to have my conversational Spanish grow… to live near them and be with them everyday… I have no idea what the future holds, but I do know that God did not give me the desire to be there, just to dwindle. I fully intend on going back. I fully intend on pursuing what God may have in store for me in a country I didn’t dream of falling in love with. And while I wish I could just quit school and go now, I have one year left and instead of going straight to graduate school, I think I am going to look into extending my loans and raising money to go to Guatemala for two years. And I have already heard some positive feedback from the director of the home. They would gratefully accept a psych major.

My God is in the rescuing business. I want to be a part of it. I will never forget my time in Guatemala this May. Nor do I want to grow complacent from what I experienced. May God always break my heart for the things that break His. May my heart always break for these little girls. To Him be all glory.  Frederick Buechner once said “Your vocation in life is where your greatest joy meets the world's greatest need.” I think I may have found part of that.

God bless. Thank you for reading