eNdInGs

Today marked the end of my internship as a school psychologist. I didn't expect to fall in love with the school I was working at, the staff that I shadowed or the children I worked with. All I knew was that I was going to be working at a school. Nonetheless, at the end of my day today, I got into my car and just sat there. I put a CD into the player and go figure, it was the CD that I had gotten from one of my best friends after we graduated high school. The first song that came on was Good Riddance by Green Day. You can imagine my thoughts. {If you don't know the song, then please go to YouTube and listen. Now is the time to experience such a song.} 

However, thoughts stirred through my head. Why are goodbyes so hard? 
Why do we try to prevent ourselves from becoming attached? Shouldn't it be the case that we give everything we have and learn as much as we can? Goodbyes, I think, should be hard, because that means the time was meaningful, the relationship was meaningful... so on and so forth. 

I can't help but think of the implications this will have when I leave Ohio in just over a month and begin a new chapter in my life... Every part of me screams not to think about it.... 


But if you don't say goodbye, you can't say hello again, right?  


Sorry. These are my frustrations. And I'm afraid goodbyes will always be a weakness of mine, but life is filled with Hellos and Goodbyes, Beginnings and Endings. Maybe it's just me, but I'm not sure if any of those really matter though. It's more of what happens in the middle and how the middle is treated... 

So how are you living out your 'middle'? Are you living in a way that will make saying goodbye hard (in a good way)? 

Growing Up

So today, after my internship, I went to one of my favorite places near school (Yellow Springs) and spent the last few hours of sunshine hanging out, doing homework and just thinking. If you know me, I have a lot of thoughts, some of them I share, but I generally keep a lot more of them to myself. Anyway, I went to a new coffeeshop (I say new, because it's the first time I strayed away from Dino's on my own) and it was wonderful. The atmosphere was great and I got an assignment done and drank incredible coffee. After, I went outside and walked around the town and went to the playground. Since it was almost 70 degrees outside, you can imagine the number of people outside. If you cannot imagine it, or if you have never been to Yellow Springs, the town was SWARMING. That's besides the point though. Back to my story. I went to the playground and found the swingset completely open, so of course, I ran over and began to swing and as I did a million thoughts came to mind. I'm going to share a few of them with you. 

As this post is entitled "Growing Up" you can probably guess the direction that I'm going. Now I should probably also mention that I had a little too much caffeine today and my mind was on hyperspeed, but I digress. My life has always been one of constant busyness... even today, I went to class, ran all over campus to deal with a car registration issue, went to internship, had a birthday dinner to go to and had a meeting and more homework to attend to, but I had decided to give myself some time. Time to enjoy the beautiful weather, time to think, time to step back from all of my crazy. And as I did, it made me a little sad. I started thinking, why is it that I feel the need to fill up all of my time? Why do I have so many lists? Why do I always think about the future and cram, cram, cram... saying "one day I'll be able to breathe"-{direct quote from today}-  but that day never seems to come? 

I fill my day with commitments galore and try to busy myself, thinking I can only survive if I am busy, because one day I will be a grown up and not have to be busy. But what if I miss out on the here and now. Sure, Lord willing, great things have yet to come, but what if in the mean time, I don't invest in the people I'm with now, or don't experience the simple pleasure of still being a 'kid' as I'm still in college, not quite a grown up?

I'm tempted to sing the song from Peter Pan (I won't grow up...) or type out all the words, but I think you get my drift... I've been living in the fast lane so long, proclaiming my desire to stay young, but as I speed on, I think I've lost part of what I could have NOW. If you, like me, live life in the fast lane, I think you might be find you're able to seriously relate. I hope that makes sense. I'm trying to put to words my crazy thoughts. 

Back to the swing set though. Today, I felt free. I felt free for the first time in a long time. Free from everything. And my thoughts turned to God and to the freedom he offers through Christ and the freedom that comes in following the Spirit's urgings. And I can't help but smile and thank God for the (good) childish moments that he affords me. And I want to be able to experience that ALL THE TIME.

And as I was leaving the park, I saw a whole bunch of daddys/mommys out with their kiddos. Thinking about it now, it's so refreshing to know that My heavenly Daddy still likes to go to the park with me and likes to let me feel like a child again.

All of these musings to say, slow down. Stop letting busyness be your norm. What's the rush to grow up? Enjoy the here. Enjoy the now. 

I'm working on it, right alongside you.

Not Forgotten

So today I am sitting in church when the sermon ended, quietly putting myself together (as I have a habit of taking over the entire table that I sit at) and as I am doing this, a man walks over to me and asks if it would be alright for him to share something with me. of course, I said yes. He sat down and told me that he felt as if God was telling him to tell me that I am not forgotten.

WOW.

As would be my normal response, I just kind of stared at him. Now I hope he didn't think I was being rude, and I don't think that he thought that, but he continued talking about how God wanted me to know that my time was coming and that I was not forgotten. 

WELL DANG. 

Apparently my thoughts about Guatemala and wishing my time would come faster and all of my questions and annoyances and pleadings were visible to someone elses Spirit. So I got to thinking about Jesus and how His timing is always perfect, even when I try to think otherwise. And I also thought about all of the other people in the world who sometimes (like me) feel forgotten, feel left out, feel as if they are down for the count. Some may not even realize they feel that way. Like I wasn't aware today, maybe you didn't even know that you had been living like you had been forgotten. My friends, you are not forgotten. Let me be the voice of truth to you, as this kind, wonderful man was to me today. You are not forgotten. You have worth. You have meaning. You are one of a kind and God will use you. You were never meant to be alone or meant to feel worthless or forgotten. 

As I'm typing this, several things come to mind. First off, my desire to express your invaluable, incomparable worth to you. Second, the scene from Lilo and Stitch where Stitch proclaims, "Ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten." As children of God, as human beings, we are family and simply because we are family, we ought to not feel forgotten. Nonetheless, times will come when we don't feel at the top of our game, or we won't feel like we are a part of something, BUT you are. You are part of something far larger than you could ever imagine. And in that large thing that you cannot imagine, you have worth, you have value, you have a specific place that is of utmost importance. Paul, in Corinthians 12, writes; 

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!”  On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable,  and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.  If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

So stop being self defeating. 
Stop believing lies.
We need you. 
We need each other. 
We need your giftings. 

You are not forgotten.

not  by me. and most importantly. not by God.

Which reminds me of one more thing. One of my favorite stories, about two pigs, is called Sidney and Norman. The two pigs struggle, one with pride, the other with self-defeat and self-esteem issues. Then they encounter God and He changes their lives. The proud pig finds that God is sad with the way he looks down on the other pigs, while the self-defeating pig finds that God's love for him isn't dependent on his abilities or performance. I think we can learn a lot from a tale of two pigs and their encounter with God. Because the story ends (sorry if you haven't read it.... spoiler alert) with Sidney, the self-defeating pig, reminding himself of what God told him the day they met; First of all, I love you. Secondly, I love you. Thirdly, I love you. That is all. 

If you are feeling left alone, forgotten, prone to self-defeat, or if you are feeling proud and mighty and on top of the world, or even if you are feeling perfectly fine, heres a reminder

I love you. I LOVE you. I love YOU. 

-love God.

You are not alone. You are never alone and you are not forgotten. Your time is coming. 

Hold on. Hang in there.

Read this book. If you like stories. Even if you don't. It's wonderful. Even for adults.

Wherever You Are

I need this reminder every single day. 

Looking ahead.

Since I was about 6 years old, I have always wanted to be a missionary overseas. It wasn't until college that I actually went out of the country on a missions trip though (other than Canada). My life hasn't been the same since. Everything I do... my actions, my words, my thoughts, they have all changed, because I have seen a glimpse of what I long to do in the world. I long to be an agent of change, an agent of peace, and an agent of God's love, to the needy, the hopeless and the hurting. Even though I have always wanted to live in a grass hut, the idea has almost become idolized in my head. I wanted (want) something so different than everyone else around me and it sometimes makes me feel good to be so drastically different. But then I realized that I don't have to live in a grass hut (although that is still my dream house, for real) to make a difference. I don't have to act better, do things differently or pursue careers that I or others think could be useful. I should not simply pursue things just because I think God can use them (since He can and will use anything). I could have gone to nursing school. I could have gone the pre-med route. I could have gone the engineering route or the social work route. Believe me, I have considered every one of these options for hours/days/months. I could play this game all day. But I didn't go those routes and I am choosing not to play the coulda/shoulda/woulda game- though many days I am concerned that what I have learned and what I am continually learning will not be enough to make a difference.

                                                                                       but

In the midst of all of this confusion... Psalm 46 reads;

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, The holy dwelling places of the Most High. God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered; He raised His voice, the earth melted. The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Come, behold the works of the Lord, who has wrought desolations in the earth. He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth; He breaks the boy and cuts the spear in two; he burns the chariots with fire. Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. The Lord of hosts is with us; the god of Jacob is our stronghold."  

Hah. It's like God is saying, what's your deal here? I am going to use you. Quit panicking. Quit being indecisive. Quit thinking that I cannot use you. Just stop. Look what I have already done. I'm going to do even better things. You can count on me. Always. I'm shaping you and forming you to be used as my tool, for MY Kingdom. For MY purposes.

AND IT'S THE SAME FOR YOU AS WELL. STOP STRIVING AND KNOW, HE IS GOD AND HE CAN HANDLE EVERYTHING BETTER THAN YOU CAN.

So next fall, for those of you who do not yet know, not only will I be a real person, as a graduate from college, but I will be going to Guatemala (Lord willing) to serve with Kids Alive International. I'll be in a place that I love, immersed in a culture that I love, learning a language that makes my heart happy, serving and loving those in the margins and all the while learning how to trust that God knows what is best - trusting that God is going to use me. I am a willing vessel... as broken and messed up as I am. I am willing. And lets face it. We all know that I would be absolutely no where without His stability in my life. I'd be an absolute disaster. Who knows if I will ever live in a grass hut. And even though that has always been the picture in my head of how I am going to serve God, I think he is trying to teach me that His plans are way better than my own. Whether or not that grass hut comes, I am ready. Like the prophet Isaiah, I say, "Here am I, send me."

Over the past week and the next few weeks, I have been/will be praying and fasting regarding what next year holds. If you would like to join me in these prayers or if you would like to know more about Guatemala,  please let me know. I love to talk about Guate. I also love to talk about what God is doing. so.... talk to me. OR if there is something you need a partner in prayer for, let me know that as well.

                                                     Buenas Noches

Finite Friendship

I hope that you are not startled by the title of this post. Being back home for the holidays is always strange for me, especially as I get older. I've never been a big homebody, but then again, I don't think I have ever really been a big anywhere body, well other than camp... Nonetheless, I have been seeing friends from home and catching up, only to realize that I have missed out on so many things, because of my horrible ability to stay in touch. Hanging out for a few hours or just grabbing coffee for a short time doesn't cut it or change the fact that I am a terrible communicator. Just as I realize that I have missed out on doing life with friends that I adore back home, there is a whole other spectrum of people at school who I have for the most part ignored (or neglected) since coming home. And I cannot forget camp friends who get neglected much of the year.

Now see, these are not the type of relationships we are supposed to have; on again, off again, finite friendships that exist only when convenient. 1) Jesus did not tell us to love our neighbor only when we felt like it 2) If you want to have a friend, be a friend  3) Friendship is a commitment. 

What I am really trying to say is that over the past week, I have realized that I am not only a slacker in friendships, but I have been a sucky friend. I know it's true, so don't try to tell me otherwise, but friendship to me is something significant, something important. Obviously I know that I hold high standards for myself in everything I do, but I am not even reaching my low end standard, which isn't okay. So I'm going to be working on this. I have told a lot of people that I could exist well as a hermit and I very well believe I could, but I think that God created me to exist as very much the opposite, so it's about time I start following through on the whole friendship thing. I'm sorry if I have hurt you over the past few months or even past few years, because of my failure to communicate or share my life with you or share in your life. Friendship is about doing life together... and I have been horrible about this, so my plan is to change that.

It's going to take time. It'll be hard work. I think it's worth it, because the people who have stuck with me, despite my awful friend tendencies, are worth it. ABOVE AND BEYOND worth it.  

I don't want anymore of this short-term friendship, only when it's convenient frienship. I'm in for the real deal... even if it's hard. ESPECIALLY when it's hard. 

On being a Follower.

By now, you have hopefully read the title of this post and realized who is writing, so you can turn back before it's too late.

A lot of this comes from a message I gave this summer at camp, but it has been resonating a lot with me lately. Also, anything good in here is purely God and thoughts I acquired from the book Not a Fan. If you haven't read it, you should (Shameless plug). The rest, is just me, so if anything is silly or just doesn't seem to make sense or fit, you'll understand why.

Imagine a crowd of people... All of a sudden several sports fanatics enter the scene screaming and cheering for their respective team, dressed in their team's paraphernalia and ecstatic! If you really need help with that imagery, think of a sports game that you attended...

Maybe YOU are that crazy sports fanatic. Maybe you have SEEN fans who are willing to hoot/holler/scream for THEIR team. Chances are, you have at least experienced a situation like that... (pep rally, football game)

A lot of times we compare our fandom to those around us. Maybe we aren't as crazy, or maybe we ARE louder or the CRAZIEST fan of all. Our culture teaches us that its good to be this way-which it is- but our culture says its okay to just be a fan of Jesus, too. Our churches are full of fans-people who show up on Sundays, put on a smile, sing like crazy... put on an act.

but God calls us to so much more than that. 

WE WERE NOT MADE TO BE 'ONE-DAY' OR SUNDAY CHRISTIANS. 
    It's all or nothing.

His call is not to comparison or measurement to others, instead, He calls us to come and die.

COME AND DIE.  LITERALLY.

Luke 9:23-24 reads;

"And He was saying to them all, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it."

It's easy to read over those verses and not really experience the full weight of them. Taking up your cross can and WILL bring pain. It is hard to daily take up one's cross. But God never said that following Him was easy. Actually we see all over scripture that Jesus warns against it, unless you are willing to give up everything. When you accept the invitation to follow Jesus, you aren't just making him top priority- you are making him the ONLY priority.

NO RESERVES. NO RETREAT.

Fandom is easy. It's easy to pretend and follow Christ when it is convenient...

Following Christ is hard.  Taking up your cross daily, is hard stuff. But God calls us to that. Jesus shows us how it can be done. So what are you waiting for?

I think it is long past time that Christians begin to follow hard after Jesus. I think it is long past time that we take up our cross daily and die to ourselves and our desires EVERY SINGLE DAY.

RADICAL CHRISTIANITY. I'M GAME. 

And please don't think that I think I have this topic mastered or that I think I know best. I simply desire to be one of Christ's followers who takes up her cross daily. And I would like for you to join me, if you're willing.