That AWKWARD In-Between Time

Every year after school ends I have to wait for several weeks until camp starts. Now usually I try to fill the time with lots of things... like going to Guatemala... or babysitting for the best kiddos ever... or hanging out with people that I never get to see (unless I am home)... But it really gives me time to think. When I'm not sleeping or doing something to keep me busy, I have time to really think. I don't usually afford myself such luxuries when I am at school or at camp. I mean, yes, I think, but I don't always just get to think about the future, things to come... It's crazy to think that in one year I will be graduated from college. I will have my bachelors degree and finally be grown up (ish). However, as much as it excites me, it terrifies me as well because I love to plan and honestly I have no idea what I am doing after I graduate. So something I have been learning about is contentment... It seems that in life we are always waiting... Waiting on something, someone, a significant passage of time, a certain age, and the list goes on.

I think of the things that I am personally waiting on and the one thing I keep coming back to is God. Isaiah 40:31 reads, "But those who wait on God will renew their strength. They will mount up on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be faint." We are supposed to wait on God. We are SUPPOSED to put our hope in God and wait on Him to come through because He IS going to come through. He has proven it in His word. He has proven it in His Creation. He has proven it in my life and He has proven it in the lives of those around me. Our strength and direction are found in him and him alone... Not our plans... not our hopes, not our dreams, but GOD. But here is the thing... I feel like far too often God is waiting on us, waiting on us to turn to Him and hope in Him. I know at least for me I get too full of myself and forget God. I forget to hope in Him and I forget to put my stress aside or lay my worries on Him. And this is where problems occur. When we don't wait on God and impatiently run ahead trying to do our own thing, we get hurt and end up hurting others.

And so my themes for this summer are waiting and contentment.

I'm not exactly sure all that I am waiting for. I'm still not at the place where I can say I am content. There is a lot going on that I am not content with. I am a work in progress... I have a long way to go, but I have to say I am so glad that God has never given up on me, nor will He ever. I have hope in the One and Only constant in my life. Even when I am not hopeful, I know that God is waiting on me. My God is incredible.

Yesterday my status on facebook read, "that moment when you find yourself wishing you were already graduated because your heart is overseas, but you still have a year left of school... Lord help me to be content where I am for this coming year." I think that this status really describes where I am at right now and I don't know how to reconcile where I am with where I want to be and I have no idea where I am supposed to be next.

So for now, forever, I need to trust in God. As I go forward with this summer, I plan to list things I am thankful for each day; a list of at least 10 things everyday. I've heard that the more grateful we are for things or the more we acknowledge daily blessings, the more content we become with where we are. And my wish is that as I reflect on the things I am thankful for each day, I will grow more content with who I am as a child of God and where I am in the here and now, as well as content with where my future is leading.

Because of the 'awkward in-between time' I have time to think. I have time to write. I have time to spend with my friends that I never get to see during the year. I get to enjoy sleeping in. I get the privilege of babysitting wonderful children. I have time to experience being a child for a few weeks, instead of an independent adult. I get to go out to dinner with my mom. I get to lie around and watch Gilmore Girls. I get to read for fun. I get to spend time talking to God. I get to spend time reading my Bible and reflecting. I am so thankful for these blessings in my life today.

I encourage you to try making a list of things you are thankful. Play the thankful game with me each day. A friend of mine encouraged me to play this game a few years ago and it has changed my life ever since.

Guatemala.

I can hardly believe that my time in Guatemala is already over and will not be happening again for a while. Last night I was convinced that I dreamt the fact that I was actually there in Guatemala, so I had to check my bank account to see if I really bought a ticket. Low and behold, a large chunk of money had been taken out for the trip, thus confirming the fact that I did go. My mom thinks that I am too old to be experiencing this, but it just seems like I waited so long to go and when it finally came, it was over in a flash. I guess that is how it is with a lot of things in life. Enough about the sadness of returning to the states though- My goal in this post is to give you a small glimpse of what I experienced in Guatemala.

Just a quick note (I didn’t use the girls’ names for safety reasons, I think it would have been okay, but I didn’t want to chance it).

I woke up bright and early Wednesday morning (3:55am to be exact), May 8^th, in order to leave for the airport by 4:15 in order to make my 6am flight. I woke up before my alarm though, even after sleeping only 3 hours. The plane ride to Atlanta went smoothly, arriving early in Atlanta so that I could take my time getting to my gate. Praise the Lord my ears didn’t act up on this flight. Then began my flight from Atlanta to Guatemala City. Landing early in Guatemala… the rest of the day was a bit of a blur. I remember going to Dunkin Donuts in the city (Jenny’s favorite treat) and eating my first mango of my time there… delicious! I also got to see some of the girls and missionaries, as well as meet two of the girls my family will be sponsoring. I brought stuffed animals and necklaces for them…small gifts, as we are not yet their sponsors and Jenny didn’t want me to spoil them too much, YET! Anywho. Devotions were cancelled so that fumigation could begin, to rid the Oasis of fleas. So Jenny and I went home. Now if I gave this detailed an account of everyday, I would have zero readers at the end, so I am just going to give you an overview of the highlights for the rest of the time.

Each morning Jenny and I woke around 5 or 6am doing our devotions, working out, eating breakfast and just being silly together until 8:20 when we would leave for the Oasis… a 10 minute drive from her little house in San Lucas, Sacatepéquez. After arriving at the Oasis on Thursday and Friday, Jenny would teach two math classes, the first class with only one girl and the second with three girls. I played math games with Sandra every day during class and it quickly grew to be one of my favorite times. After the two classes, Jenny and I left around 11 both days because the fumigation was occurring. So Thursday, Jenny, Renae, and I went to Antigua. We hiked to the cross overlooking Antigua, explored a convent ruin and went to a huge artisan market. I met some of Jenny’s market friends and just looked around. The colors are astounding. After exploring all day, we ate dinner at MonoLoco with Renae and went back to the house, sleepy and full. Friday afternoon, Jenny and I went up to a really pretty restaurant that she had wanted to go to. It was so delicious and filling. Friday afternoon we hung out and watched a movie together, going to bed early so that bright and early Saturday morning we could go to the beach at Monterrico. We took a bus to the beach (2.5 hours away) and spent the day, laying in the sand, eating delicious quesadillas, exploring the little beach town and swimming in a pool, as the ocean was far too rough to swim in. Arriving home, sunburned and all, tired out from a long sunny day.

Sunday morning, we went to Jenny’s church and brought Renae with us. I don’t know about you, but I love Spanish worship music. I knew a lot of the songs and the songs I did not know, I caught on quickly with. The power of the Spirit was sensed through the church and I just loved every second of it. After Church Jenny and I walked to a market near her house to get some fresh fruit/veggies and saw puppy corner (the corner that every weekend has hundreds of purebred puppies for super cheap). I wanted to steal one of the huskies. We bought some blue tortillas and enjoyed a yummy dinner of tilapia tacos. Jenny and I wanted to try something new, so on Friday we had gotten tilapia (scales, eyeballs and all) at the grocery store. They were yummy.

On Monday morning, after her typical morning routine, I joined in her math class and then acted as the librarian for the week during homework time, allowing the girls to come into the library and get books during homework time. After lunch on Monday, another girl was brought to the Oasis to live. Now the three sisters (the ones we will be sponsoring) were together and safe. We thought the newer girl would be quiet and shy at first, but she was crazy. She ran around giving hugs and kisses, talking non-stop. It was quite entertaining. All throughout the week she ran around giving hugs and kisses, quickly latching on to me and calling me Tia. We all tried to explain to her that I was only visiting, but she wouldn’t believe anyone and seemed to think I would be there forever. (I wish I was). So Tuesday morning, Jenny and Addie took 3 of their students to Antigua to go on a field trip and see what they had been learning about in their social studies class. It was so much fun. I felt like a child again as I participated in their activities and hopped around the ruins with the three girls. Later that day, Jenny and I went to a restaurant overlooking all of Antigua for lunch and had some really yummy pizza. For being so incredibly destructive, volcanoes are gorgeous. Arriving back at the Oasis in time for homework help, we did homework and library time. I played with and read to a few of the little girls. One of the older girls and I read Arthur together and she helped me work on my Spanish, as her English is okay. Wednesday was probably one of my favorite days. Jenny and I went to class inn the morning and then before lunch at the Oasis we drove to the market in San Lucas and found a small puppy stuffed animal and pink bag for Carmen (the new girl), so that she wouldn’t have to use her sister’s backpack anymore. After eating lunch with the girls, we brought Carmen up to Jenny’s office and gave her the presents. She was so excited and wouldn’t stop kissing us both. The rest of the afternoon (after library time) I played basketball, soccer, on the trampoline with and tickling her. At around 5:30, all of the girls came in for devotions. We sang songs and then Jenny gave the message.

Thursday followed the same sort of order as the other days at the Oasis. I was reluctant to leave Thursday because that would be my last full day at the Oasis. On Friday, one of the girls asked me to write her a letter so that she would remember me. It took me a long time to put into words just how much she meant to me and impacted me in the ten days that I spent with her. She is the most selfless, loving, silly, little girl that I have ever met. She loves Jesus so much and trusts in his power, knowing that she is loved by God, even when her father did terrible things. We left after lunch, picking up laundry and spending the evening in Antigua. Saturday morning, we left the house around 5:20, to drive to Antigua and take the bus to Volcan de Pacaya. We hiked up the volcano all morning and had lots of fun, though both Jenny and I got carsick. We ate lunch at Jenny’s favorite restaurant and watched a movie the rest of the afternoon, going to bed early as we were both exhausted. On Sunday, we went to church again and I fell in love with her church. The pastor preached on 1 Corinthians 13, discussing love and the fact that we are supposed to be love, because love reflects God. Even though I didn’t get the entire sermon, seeing as I am not fluent in Spanish, I understood the majority of his sermon and it was something I really needed to hear.

After church on Sunday, Jenny and I went to the Oasis for a few hours. We brought her crazy dog, Chula (which means cute in Spanish) and popcorn, lollipops and soda for the girls. Almost all 50 came out to play, as it was beautiful out. But I think I spent the majority of the time with the three sisters and a few other little girls, as well as another who wanted to take my picture because she thought it was really funny when I hid from the camera. We laughed, had swinging competitions, played silly games, ran with Chula, but all too soon, Jenny looked at me and said it was time to go. The three sisters held on to me and said goodbye to Jenny (knowing she would be back Monday) but I had told them I was leaving in the morning… so that told me I wasn’t allowed to leave. Several other girls joined in and I realized for one of the first times that I had absolutely no desire to leave. I would stay there forever if I could. Sandra fake cried and Ingrid blew on my belly button… the grossest, funniest thing ever as Carmen held on to me hugging and kissing. I hugged the girls goodbye and Sandra looked me in the eyes and said, Hasta Pronto Heidi, si? I hugged her and promised that I would see her again soon, Lord willing.

I didn’t want to get out of the car Monday morning in Guatemala City when Jenny dropped me off at the airport. I didn’t want to leave. Reluctantly I slipped out of the car and walked into the airport with all of the girls’ names on my heart and sadness hovering over me. I want to go back. I want to see the girls. I want to be able to really talk to them… to have my conversational Spanish grow… to live near them and be with them everyday… I have no idea what the future holds, but I do know that God did not give me the desire to be there, just to dwindle. I fully intend on going back. I fully intend on pursuing what God may have in store for me in a country I didn’t dream of falling in love with. And while I wish I could just quit school and go now, I have one year left and instead of going straight to graduate school, I think I am going to look into extending my loans and raising money to go to Guatemala for two years. And I have already heard some positive feedback from the director of the home. They would gratefully accept a psych major.

My God is in the rescuing business. I want to be a part of it. I will never forget my time in Guatemala this May. Nor do I want to grow complacent from what I experienced. May God always break my heart for the things that break His. May my heart always break for these little girls. To Him be all glory.  Frederick Buechner once said “Your vocation in life is where your greatest joy meets the world's greatest need.” I think I may have found part of that.

God bless. Thank you for reading 

Psalm 51

¹ Have mercy on me, O God, 
       according to your unfailing love; 
       according to your great compassion 
       blot out my transgressions.
 ² Wash away all my iniquity
       and cleanse me from my sin.
 ³ For I know my transgressions,
       and my sin is always before me.
 ⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
       and done what is evil in your sight,
       so that you are proved right when you speak
       and justified when you judge.
 ⁵ Surely I was sinful at birth,
       sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
 ⁶ Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
       you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
 ⁷ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
       wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
 ⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
       let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
 ⁹ Hide your face from my sins
       and blot out all my iniquity.
 ¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
       and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
 ¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
       or take your Holy Spirit from me.
 ¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
       and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
 ¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
       and sinners will turn back to you.
 ¹⁴ Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
       the God who saves me,
       and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
 ¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips,
       and my mouth will declare your praise.
 ¹⁶ You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
       you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
 ¹⁷ The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
       a broken and contrite heart,
       O God, you will not despise.
 ¹⁸ In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
       build up the walls of Jerusalem.
 ¹⁹ Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
       whole burnt offerings to delight you;
       then bulls will be offered on your altar.




This Psalm was written by David, after he had been convicted of his sin of adultery and murder. He pours out his heart to God, begging and pleading with him, to have mercy on him. And God in his ultimate goodness, did show grace and had mercy on him. David was considered the man after God's own heart and he messed up. BIG TIME. Yet, God showed him mercy. After realizing his sin, David begged for mercy, realizing he does not deserve forgiveness, but God granted him forgiveness. And in his next words, David praised God. he praised him in his broken state. This is when God can meet with us. When we are broken. When we realize just how much we fail at life, just how much we don't deserve God's mercy and grace. When we are broken.. And it is then, that God will reveal himself, and begin to heal our pain. When we humble ourselves and pray, God will turn from heaven and heal us. 
Are you broken? 

So, I write poetry.. 

and well, I don't really share it with anyone, ever, but I am trying something new...

Here goes, these are a few of mine =]

Your voice thunders thru my soul

and your lightening shatters

the deepest parts of my heart

in the quiet place, you are there

i feel you all around me

i am comforted by your presence

for i know you stand beside me

even when i walk thru 

the darkest parts of this life

your light guides me step by step

moment by moment

never am i alone

for you go before me

never will i be in want 

for you provide all that i need 

its that one time of your
where old acquaintances
renew past friendships
where Christ is centered
in each newfound relationship
titles. jobs abilities, stereotypes
are thrown away
you can be you and i can be me
nothing is expected
except a humble, serving heart
it doesn't matter
the mess at home,
the broken friendships,
the unhealthy addictions,
for here, is where God does His work.
It's that one time to get away
to spread your wings and fly...
but we choose this
because this i where we have been called
this... is where lives are changed.

(this one is about camp..)

bitterness
disgust
anger
bubbling
boiling
bursting
hurting me more than physical pain
haunting my life, my actions, my thoughts
killing me, bit by bit scarring my heart

Hatred...
It's deadly

1 John 2:9 "Anyone who claims to be in the light, but hates his brother is still in the darkness."

Tell me what you think, if you like them, I'll post more. 

I hope that you had a wonderful day =) Remember to love.. hatred is deadly, love God, Love others, love yourself =)

So I was driving around today, and I started singing this song. 
I just wanted to remind you that God's love for us is unfathomable.
No one and nothing compare to it. 
Remember, you are loved by the creator of the universe
I hope you enjoy these lyrics by David Crowder Band


He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, 
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. 
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, 
And I realize just how beautiful You are, 
And how great Your affections are for me. 

And oh, how He loves us oh 
Oh how He loves us, 
How He loves us all 

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, 
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. 
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, 
And I realize just how beautiful You are, 
And how great Your affections are for me. 

And oh, how He loves us oh, 
Oh how He loves us, 
How He loves us all 

He loves us, 
Oh how He loves us, 
Oh how He loves us, 
Oh how He loves. 

And we are His portion and He is our prize, 
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, 
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking. 
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss, 
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest, 
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, 
When I think about, the way… 

That He loves us, 
Oh how He loves us, 
Oh how He loves us, 
Oh how He loves. 
Yeah, He loves us, 
Oh how He loves us, 
Oh how He loves us, 
Oh how He loves. 

Yeah, He loves us, 
Oh how He loves us, 
Oh how He loves us, 
Oh how He loves.

To Start

This is my first blog.. I am not really a blogger, but I thought it might be cool to start one, as I love to write poetry, and just write about life and stuff going on. So this will be the first of possibly many (lame, exciting, interesting, dull <- you choose) blogs by me. I hope you enjoy them.. I want feedback too.. so comment away =)